The Parody of the Rings
by BaronCat40
Summary: This is a parody of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It contains materiel from both the movies and the books. Please read! Rated K plus for violence and mild language.
1. Chapter 1: the Movie Prolouge

The Parody of the Rings

Part 1: The Fellowship of the Ring, Book I.

**This is a parody of the entire Lord of the Rings triogy. If this works I might do one of the Hobbit. It will have parts from the movie and the book, because I have a hard time differentiating things from them in my mind. Please read, and I'll try to respond to reviews this time. **

Prologue:

Sauron stalked out dressed in armor and wearing is ring of power. That pesky alliance of elves and men would be crushed, and he would win the war. Just those elves were really, really annoying.

"Hey! Mask face! Why aren't you invisible! Your fancy ring evidently does not work! Ha ha!"

"It has something to do with the fact that I made the ring and it is sort of part of me, and my life depends on it, so if I take it off I blow up. Did I just say that out loud? Ah-"

The King of Gondor jumped onto Sauron's back, cut off his ring hand, and tossed it to Elrond, who through it into Mount Doom along with Isildur, because "the blithering idiot can't add two and two, why trust him with a Ring of Power?" Unfortunately, like most blithering idiots, Isildur was a very good sports player, and caught the ring in midair as Sauron blew up and killed the King of Gondor. He then ran away, was shot to death in a river, and the series began.

**Please review and tell me if you like it! No need to be nice. **


	2. Chapter 2: The Book Prolouge

The book prologue.

**Thanks to DeLacus for reviewing. Please review! This might be confusing if you have not read the prologue of the Fellowship of the Ring, since that is what I parodied in this chapter. **

Now, Concerning Hobbits (this is actually in the forward, but this is the only part if it I'm doing). Read the Hobbit for this information. Fine, I'll give it to you. Hobbits live in holes. These holes are always wet, stinky, and filled with worms. Their feet were very smelly, though they never wore shoes. The combination of this caused many visitors to hobbit towns to pass out from the smell. Their feet had soles about as tough as leather, and they were very itchy, and covered with hair. Hobbits never grew beards, as somewhere along the vast family tree that I am about to describe to you they manage to mix up genes so their beards grow on their feet. They try to keep out of the business of the Big Folk as they call them, thus the large amount of overweight hobbits are often cast out of society. Hobbits also like to eat, and their mind constantly revolves around this activity. They are shorter than dwarves, and their skulls are quite a bit thicker. I will now describe the entire hobbit family. Knowing who is related to who is immensely important to hobbits.

Hobbits are perhaps our distant ancestors, more so then dwarves and elves but not as much as our own species. Before the Crossing of the Mountain, hobbits had been divided into different breeds: Hardheads, Stools, and Foulheads. The Hardheads preferred mountains and were the shortest and darkest of the three. Their heads were also the hardest, and though that provided a hindrance to learning, it was a great asset when living in mountains when many falls occurred, most of them from high places. The Stools were famous for having a 50% birth defect rate of being born with either three or four legs, and were fatter and had large feet and hands. They preferred the flatlands and riverbanks. The Foulheads looked like short elves, and as their name suggests, they act as foul as their look-alikes as well (which is very). They preferred wooded areas to make their homes. The Hardheads had many dealings with dwarves, where they learned to tunnel by banging the rock with their heads. They also proved to be a valuable test subject for battle axes, as many were not harmed by blows to the head. The stools had more dealings with men, and many were used as chairs during parities until they got tired of this and went with the Hardheads to the North. The Foulheads had the most dealings with Elves, which may be where they got their notoriously foul mouths.

The years of the shire-reckoning began at the crossing of the Brandywine river. The hobbits were never war-like, but somehow learned how the fight very well as one is advised to run if they reach for a stone. Another remarkable thing is that they smoked a variety of nicotaina, which sounds suspiciously like nicotine. If one were to smoke pure nicotine, they would most likely drop dead after the first puff. The Shire went in four directions, which were North, South, East, and West. The hobbits of the shire though four things: Eat, Eat, Eat, and Eat. We will now summarize the hobbit, which I feel no need to do though I will anyway. Heck, halfway though the thing I even seem to have gotten bored and say that I need not continue this tale or something like that. Oh, and after this tale is over, the Shire will be included in the Reunited Kingdoms.

**I should have chapter 1 parody uploaded at last sometime this weekend I hope. Please review! I had fun with those names. **


	3. Chapter 3: The Long Expected Party Part1

**Chapter 1 at last! Thanks to DeLacus for reviewing. Please review! Sorry this one took to long, but I had standardized testing, which shortens classes, which makes teachers assign more homework. **

**I do not own Lord of the Rings. **

Chapter 1 Part 1: The long expected Party in which the hobbit will disappear, there will be a lot more, and just skip this and read the thing already.

Bilbo Baggins was a very rich hobbit. He had been the wonder of the shire for many years since his odd disappearance and return, but 13 dwarves and 1 wizard showing up to dinner and making quite a racket is obviously not odd, since the hobbits would have undoubtedly noticed that but are not commenting on it. At 99 then began to call him "well preserved", as he had been the victim of about 3,138,573,676 pranks in which preserving chemicals and picking juices were poured on him. The shear stress of having a bucket of brine dump on his head every time he opened a door caused his hair to go grey. The hobbits thought this was unfair, so they decided to raid him of his age and infinite wealth by murdering him and stealing his gold. However, the police got their first and killed all the raiders. Bilbo adopted his favorite cousin, because it is perfectly legal to adopt kids who have living parents who are current taking care of them and showing no indication of allowing said kid to be adopted. Okay, so now you tell us that the parents drowned each other, but Bilbo decided to wait to adopt the orphaned kid until he felt like it. Oh, and Drogo was very fat, fat enough to reverse buoyancy and sink a boat.

A wizard began to unload his cargo of fireworks outside Bilbo's front door. Unfortunately, the old hobbit was smoking when he opened it, and his pipe set off a few fireworks. Gandalf unloaded the rest outside the front pile of rubble. Dwarves came to help unload, but nobody noticed that Balin was missing even though he was the dwarf that liked Bilbo the most as stated in the Hobbit, so they never figured out that Moria must have been attacked. Carts kept rolling up the hill, carts carrying food, water, hobbits, and the occasional assassin sent by the Sackville-Bagginses. The post offices were all blocked, or in the case of the bywater one, snowed over in the middle of summer (how'd that happen). A notice appeared on the front pile of rubble, saying NO ADDMITTACNE EXEPT PARTY BUSINESS, AND IF YOU ARE ANYONE BUT FRODO OR GANDALF, GO AWAY NOW. Bilbo was much busy with party business, and he simply dumped the hundreds of letters that came in the trash, missing several important bills and one death threat. He was very surprised when a Nazgûl showed up three days later.

**I will probably be doing these chapters in multiple parts now, because a 300 odd page book only has 10 chapters, and I think one of them takes up about half the book. Please review!**


	4. Chapter 3: The Long Expected Party Part2

**Thanks to Drwatsonn for reviewing. Please review!**

Chapter 1, part 2

In the field, a tent was erected, and it was so large that it encompassed a tree that was about 300 feet tall and 5 wide. It poked a hole in the top of the tent, increasing rental fees by about 3,000,000,000 dollars. The party was not really a party, but a variety of entertainments rolled together, which is one definition of a party. Hobbits usually give presents to each other on their birthdays, so Bilbo spent the day handing them out to people going in for the first time, and people who went out the back and came back in the front for more. On this occasion, the presents were good, and most were made by the dwarves and ordered over a year ago. Though the dwarves remained Bilbo's friend, they still made him pay for half the presents, and he went bankrupt as one chest of silver and one of gold that he took back from the mountain did not cover the expense.

People were constantly eating unitl 6;30, when the fireworks started. Unfortunately, nobody could see the fireworks until it got dark around 9:30, so they just kept eating and wondering what kept exploding. The fireworks were by Gandalf, designed, created, and set off by him. Most of the rockets made animals, but the last one was a mountain and a dragon. First, the mountain exploded in the air and stayed there, while the dragon flew over the crowd (who were terrified of an obviously fake dragon made of smoke) and then though the mountain, where both exploded. After the fireworks came the feast. It was a lovely feast, but the purchase of food plummeted over the next few weeks because hobbits can remain full for about a month if their massive stomachs are completely filled. Bilbo then made a very long Speech, then disappeared at the same moment Gandalf made an explosion to mask it.

When Bilbo got to his hobbit hole, he put on his old cloak and hood that he used on his Adventure, collected his bags from the dwarves that were packing them, realized the dwarves had filled them with gold and jewels, emptied the bags and repacked them, then left with the dwarves for Rivendell, where he was not recognized and was arrested until someone thought to look under his hood. Now read that without stopping, run out of breath, faint, and die. He also realized that his ring got mixed up in the jewels at his hobbit hole and threw a temper tantrum that got him arrested again.

Frodo returned, relized the Bilbo had really left and left him Bag End, and let the guests in to browse their presents, leaving Merry in charge. This was a choice he sorely regretted later when he caught the hobbit in the middle of auctioning of the Ring of Power, having already sold the front pile of rubble and anything else of value in the house. The Sackville-Baggenses left in a huff after realizing they did not own Bag End. Consequently, Frodo thought that Gandlaf was Lobela until the wizard threatened to blow down the front pile of rubble.

"If you don't let me in right now, Frodo, I shall blow your front pile of rubble right down your hole and out through the hill!"

Poor Frodo could not teleport to the front pile of rubble to open the still standing door, so Gandal made good on this threat, though more good came of it then bad, as it made the Sackville-Baggenses stop pestering Frodo and it cleared the rubble from the front door, though the hole in the back wall was a bit of a downside. The old wizard then warned Frodo about the ring, told him of several rumors involving the both of them plotting to gain Bilbo's wealth, then left for a long time that the book says is several years and the movie says is about four days.

**Please review! This is the end of chapter 1 now, onto chapter 2!**


	5. Chapter 4: The Shadow of the Past Part 1

**Thanks to Drwatsonn and DeLacus for reviewing. Please review!**

Chapter 2 part 1: The shadow of the not-so-past

After Bilbo's second disappearance (and incidental double arrestment at the hands of the elves), word went around the Shire that he had always been rather mad and had run off into the blue and probably died. Poor Frodo was crushed and still held duel birthday parties for the two of them, saying he believed Bilbo was still alive. Frodo was rarely seen these days without a tear in his eye. The other hobbits noticed the Frodo showed the same signs of well preservation that they began to wonder if the hobbitings had been up to their old tricks again. [1] Frodo slowly wanted to go where Bilbo went more and more, and many days half of his brain would say "Let's cross the river today", while the other half would say "No, not today." This began to get so bad that he became like Sméagol, and only talked to himself.

There was not much news these days, as Gandalf had not been around or sent any messages for over two years. Frodo gathered all the news he could from Elves and Dwarves. Some of then were quite loopy, however, and spoke of hobbits talking in the Green Dragon (which Frodo knew to be true, some were quite literally glued to their seats and could not shut up, a result of the last quarrel over there in which Gandalf had been present). The loopy part of this was what the talk was about. Frodo heard things of giant tree creatures, Elves leaving for the Gray Havens, Frodo himself being cracked (and proud of it as well, it seems), but Frodo supposed that being glued to a seat while lacking the ability to shut for over a decade would cause one to lose one's mind and to run out of things to talk about.

[1] See Chapter 1, part 1.

**Sorry this is short, but I have had a lot of stuff to do. Please review!**


	6. Chapter 4 part 2: The Shadow of the Past

**Thanks to- Hmm, nobody reviewed this time. Review! Reviews make me update faster! Review!**

**I do not own Lord of the Rings, or Starwars (which I seem to reference quite a lot in this chapter). **

It had been quite a long time since Gandalf last visited Bag End. So long, in fact, that Frodo had forgotten what the old wizard looked like, though he had not forgotten his doings (giant fireworks and people glued to chairs in combination tends to leave a lasting impression). As a consequence of this, he attacked the old wizard when he saw him sitting on his table after coming home from a drinking spree. As a consequence of the drinking spree, he failed to realize what the wizard would do to him if he really were a wizard as he claimed.

"Frodo Baggins! Cease your pointless attack at once! I am Gandlaf the Gray-soon-to-be-White-after-I-corrupt-Sarumon!" Gandalf banged his staff on the ground as a warning, drawing his sword to block Frodo's attack.

"Bu you too ollllllld, I canna alwaaaays wina agansta youasa," Frodo was evidently quite drunk, so drunk that he did not realize what he was saying, not to mention the fact that he was inadvertently acting like a certain (and very annoying) Jar-Jar Binks. Though said gungan did not usually slur that bad, he did tend to add As at the end of random words.

"Frodo! Have you been drinking again?" Gandalf, giving up on stopping the attack, pinned Frodo against the wall with his magic until the hobbit passed out from a combination of alchahol poisoning and hitting his head on the wall.

Approximately 3.56 days and one extreme hangover later:

Frodo needed to be told that bad news. Gandalf knew it, and Frodo did not. He still though his uncle was a nice old man. Gandalf knew otherwise. The only question left was how to go about doing this?

"Frodo, I have some very bad news for you."

"What, Bilbo died? Finally died? I've been waiting for that old troll to go for years now!" Frodo seems ecstatic about this news.

"Well, sort of. Folly Bogwash, I ha-"

"It's Frodo Baggins, Mr. Gandalf, not Folly Bogwash." Sam stuck his head though the window.

"Fool of a Samwort Gammus! I will call you and your 'Frodo Baggins' by whatever name I want!" Gandalf paused to give Sam a rousing thump on the head with his staff, effectively knocking him out, and continued ranting, "A name is just a name! A tree by any name can still fall over on you and kill you! A rose by any other smell would name just as sweet! Folly, your Uncle has been possessed! Possessed by the name –er- ring of power! He will have to be executed! Now, as I was saying, Mr. Gamerwort or whatever your name is," here Gandalf paused to pick Sam up by the throat and slam him on a table, "Your head by any other name can still be cracked open, though we'd find nothing in it! I will not let you go! Stop struggling, you stupid Hobbit!"

Frodo realized what Gandalf had just said about Bilbo and started to cry, realizing he had really loved the old hobbit all along. Meanwhile, Gandalf continued ranting about names.

"What do you mean, you need to breathe? The supply of air you keep in your skull instead of a brain should keep you alive for a few years, a few minutes should be no problem!"

"Need… air… can't…. breathe," Sam passed out.

Gandlaf, not realizing he was talking at a near-dead body, continued ranting, "A Sword is a sword, it can still cut you as anything else! A bomb by any other explode can still name on you! A name is just a- What was I saying? Ah yes, a name is just a-" Gandalf passed out.

Obi-Wan Kenobi then somehow appeared in the room, "I must now carry out his mission for him. Bilbo must die."

Frodo, who had stopped his sobs in favor of gawking at Gandalf's increasingly confused ranting, renewed them.

"Bilbo was your uncle, wasn't he? I am so sorry," Kenobi gave Frodo his classic "I just killed/ inadvertently caused the execution of/am about to kill your beloved relative/friend/husband/wife/brother/sister/mother/father/other loved person (delete as necessary) speech. Said speech delivered, the Jedi departed as quickly as he came, presumably to execute Bilbo, though as you will find out later, he failed/forgot why he arrived in Rivendell.

Poor Frodo, quite confused but thinking that it would be improper to remain conscious in a room full of unconscious people, passed out. The Nazgul that came by a little bit later to find a "Shire…Baggins" assumed that there had been some kind of drinking party, and departed in peace to kill the fool that directed him there.

**Sorry for the really long gap between updates. Hopefully this nice sort-of-long chapter will make up for it. Please review! Also, I think I accidently referenced Shakespeare in there. Please review! Reviews make me update faster! And they tell me that somebody is still reading this thing!**


	7. Chapter 4 part 3: The shadow of the past

**I am very, very sorry that this took so long. Hopefuly I can update faster in the future. I had a lot of stuff going on. I had an essay due and an orchestra concert as well. Thanks to Drwatsonn and DeLacus for reviewing. Please review! **

Chapter 2 part 3:

The next day, Sam was put in the hospital with a crushed laryinx and Frodo had a massive headache from Gandalf hitting him on the head. Gandalf himself was fine, and did not seem to realize that Frodo did not want to be talked to.

"Frodo, did I tell you the story of Bilbo and the Lonely mountain?"

"Yes Gandalf, only about 450,584,494,484,236 times."

"Ah! You could probably do with another telling then." Gandalf began telling his story.

-{OOO}-

After about three hours of the story, Frodo fell asleep. A few hours after that, Gandalf realized the Frodo was asleep, and, to offset his disappointment, insisted on Sam hearing the rest of the story.

"Now, I was just at the part where Biblo was astounded by the 12th dwarf walking though his door!"

Frodo woke up, groaned, wondered aloud how Gandalf managed to spend 5 hours telling only about ten pages of Bilbo's book, then was knocked out by Gandalf hitting him on the head with his staff.

-{OOO}-

Frodo woke up after what he guessed that he had been unconscious for about a week, judging, of course, by the amount of food left in his pantry (not much). Gandalf happened to be in the mood for telling another story, this one of the ring.

"Now Frodo, that ring you have here is a very dangerous tool. If it falls in to the hands of the Enemy, assuming he still has hands after that huge explostion, the world as we know it will end."

"What exactly is the Enemy?"

"The bad guy. Now shut up."

"But Gandalf, I want to-"

Gandalf cut off the hobbit by closing his hands around Frodo's throat.

"Let me tell you a story…" Gandalf proceeded to tell Frodo the long history of the Ring, interrupted by various interjections by Frodo (whom he had relaxed to further dramaticate his rater dry story by waving his staff in the face of any hapless hobbits who happened to ring the doorbell, and, in the absence of them, Sam, who had recovered from his crushed larynx), until Yoda came in and said "Patient, you must be, young Skywalker. In the wrong universe, I seem to be.", and left as quickly as he came.

-{Approximately five hours later}-

Gandalf finally finished his story. Frodo decided that he should just give the ring to Gandalf, until Gandalf insisted he hold another ring that he had just placed in the fire.

"Hold out your hand. It's quite cool."

"Then why do you need fire tongs?"

"Fire is hot, you fool!"

Gandalf placed the Ring in Frodo's hand.

"OWWWW! HOT! Very hot!"

"Hmm. I seem to have heated the wrong ring…"

"You moron! You heated the wrong ring!"

"Yes, that is what I just said. Try this one."

Frodo refused to hold the ring until he got a fire glove and an ice pack on his burn. This ring refused to light up, so Gandalf banged it on the window, breaking the window, and when that did not work, he went and got a pair of tiny button batteries, replaced the ones in the ring, and flipped the switch to make it light up. Frodo was awed.

"Shiny... Must have shiny...It glows...want glowing shiny..."

Gandalf, seeing his opportunity, decided that Frodo would be the best person to destroy the ring. "You can have the glowing shiny if you take it and throw it into Mount Doom, okay?" Frodo agreed.

**I'll try to get another update up in a week or sooner, hopefully sooner. Please review!**


	8. Chapter 5 part 1

**Since you guys reviewed so fast, I am going to update fast this time. Thanks to Drwatsonn and DeLacus for reviewing. Please review! **

Chapter 3, part 1

"Frodo, if you still want that glowing shiny, you must leave soon. Oh, and don't forget to sell your house to your worst enemy, so that you can rescue them so they will give the house back in the end of the book."

"Okay! Are you sure I have to leave?"

"Yes! If you want the glowing shiny, you must first destroy it in Mount Doom!"

"Wait. How can I have something if I destroy it? I think I want it NOW!"

"Fraulin Biggins! You will throw that ring in the volcano, or I shall throw you in!" Gandalf then wacked Frodo on the head with his staff, very hard, until Frodo split in two and revealed orc guts. That must have been why he was such an idiot.

Gandalf found Frodo inside the orc, where Frodo only lost and arm and half of a leg to digestion so far, or, to be realistic, just the arm was lost to the orc, the half of a leg was lost to Gandalf.

"Fodu! What have I told you about being eaten! What do you not understand about 'do not get eaten'?"

-{OOO}-

Frodo left for Rivendell a while later, after a three hour long debate about which direction to go in that resulted in a nine hour lecture about Gandalf not recommending to not leave an address in the post office, and that east is always evil, the north is too cold, the south is too hot, and the west leads to the Grey Havens, so don't go that way either until you die. Frodo deiced that northeast was best for getting to Rivendell. Some friends had come to help him pack, a (as Gandalf relayed to Frodo) "Frodo Boffings, Frodo Baggins, Moronic Bondyluck, and Perifeon Tuck." They turned the place upside down, but, fortunately for Frodo, he had already sold it, and so did not have to worry about the massive decrease in value (or so he though, until a certain Loliba Sackville-Baggins nearly impaled his head with her umbrella).

After Frodo's party in his upside-down house, four un-named hobbits set off for Bree, where they would stay to get almost stabbed, then go from there to Rivendell. The only way that Gandalf managed to get Frodo to do anything (after Frodo saw through the glowing shiny trick) was to concuss him and threaten to come with him wherever he went. Both methods worked very well, but Gandalf preferred the concussing.

**This is a bit shorter then I'd like, but the chapter I'm working in is also rather dry, and spends about a page describing someone walking half-an inch. If you review, you get to vote on this:**

**Which do you like better, the Gandalf who kills everything when angered, the Gandalf the confused and slightly eccentric old man, or a combination of both?**


	9. Chapter 5 part 2

**Sorry people, I know it's been a long time since I updated, far too long. This time it was a personal problem, and unfortunately, I may not be able to update very frequently until the maple tree breeding season is over. Or at least the mating season. I keep getting horrible migraines, which means that I can basically do nothing but lie in a darkened room until it goes away, which can take days. In fact, as I am typing this, I have the beginnings of one. But aside from excuses, here you go. Thanks to DeLacus for reviewing!**

"I hate this place. Everywhere I lie there's a dirty great root sticking in my back."

"Just imagine that you are lying at home in a nice, fluffy bed with a pillow. A pillow! Can you imagine that, Sam?" As Frodo spoke, he managed to put himself in a very deep sleep, so deep that he did not wake up until he reached Rivendell, though he did remember some events as a dream, particularly entering the bar. He often wondered why his shoulder hurt every October the 6th, and every time he went to visit that ruined watchtower called weather top. In particular, he "dreamed" Sam forcing his sleeping body into and upright position, and hiding behind Frodo (which was somewhat difficult, considering that Sam was much larger than Frodo when measured around the waist), and saying (in an oddly high pitched voice) "Have you seen Gandalf anywhere?" to the rather forgetful old guy.

"Gandalf? Oh! You mean the old guy, grey beard and pointy hat? I've not seen him for six months!"

"He was supposed to meet us here"

"I'm not sure where he is now, but he once told me he was going to raid another universe, something' about a 'Quaddech world coop' and 'the door lard must rise again' or something like that. Say, have you ever heard of door lard rising? Have you ever heard of door lard?"

It is not hard to tell why Frodo though he was dreaming. When he woke up however, he was momentarily convinced that he had not been dreaming, for precisely 4.78 seconds, during which he punched Gandalf in the face for abandon him, was hit on the head with a staff, concussed, and blacked out, waking up five days later and believing it all to have been a dream.

**Please vote on this:**

**Do you want the Gandalf the confused old man, Gandalf the angry old man, or Gandalf the combination of both? Please review or PM me with your vote! And feel free to leave a regular review as well!**


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